Tweens, Tennis and the Golden Rule

Have you ever started talking, then lecturing, then ranting to your kids and later regretted it? That’s what happened to me today.

Here’s the story.

My kids are learning to play tennis. I should probably mention that I love tennis. I’m disappointed by our country’s poor showing in Wimbledon right now (and disappointed by Ana Ivanovic’s loss).

Ana Ivanovic

I felt sad when Federer lost to Nadal (again) at the French Open. But I am hopeful that he’ll win Wimbledon.

More to the point, though, I’m aware of the emotional nature of the sport of tennis and the importance of maintaining control when you play . It’s a sport where it pays to be calm and assertive. Strong but controlled. Especially when the players are sensitive and intense (think McEnroe ).

Like my kids, for example.

This afternoon in team practice, they played mixed doubles on opposite sides of the court and ended up quarreling over all sorts of little (meaningless) points. It was practice . I understand the benefits of a competitive attitude but shouldn’t that be reserved for matches against other teams? And for when the teams are actually fairly skilled?

The kids I saw playing today hit more moon balls (you know, the balls that fly up toward the sky when the players were actually trying to just hit it to the other side of the court) than winners. They’re all beginners and it’s readily apparent. They’re also all in summer mode, half of them coming to the courts after swimming in the pool, hair still wet, smelling of chlorine, laughing and giggling. It’s just not intense, serious, competition-level play.

So, after practice, I talked to them about the rules of tennis, particularly the etiquette. I also reminded them of the concept of the golden rule - treat others how you want to be treated.

They listened with rapt attention.

Then I said* something that I probably shouldn’t have said, “Look. You guys s*ck right now. I mean, come on. You do! Now, I don’t mean that you, you know, are lousy tennis players and will be forever. I mean that, as compared with Roger Federer, you’re just not there yet. Not by a long shot.”

Roger Federer

But why is that worth pointing out to these little, impressionable youngsters? Because, I went on, “you can’t expect yourselves to be perfect. You’re not going to play like Roger Federer tomorrow in your match. So don’t get mad at yourself for a double-fault. Don’t get mad at your partner for missing a ball. You are in no position to judge him. Are you perfect? No. So, how can you expect him to be perfect? Is it fair to make him feel bad for missing the ball? How would you feel if he got mad at you for that double fault? Would it seem reasonable? At this point? The whole point of these summertime team practices is to learn how to play. So, if you do something that you wish you hadn’t? Figure out what it was that you didn’t like and improve it. Try to figure out what you did wrong so that you can learn from it and not do it again. If you allow that anger to bubble up and out, you run the risk of losing control and getting angry about something that could be looked at, instead, as an opportunity to learn.”

Tomorrow they’re going to play mixed doubles for the team. You know…together . They’ll be doubles partners.

“So,” I said, “when you two play together tomorrow, I challenge you to control your impulse to attack your partner or your opponents. Challenge yourselves to control those urges to get angry. Try to view the match as a learning experience and, most of all, have fun. Find a way to enjoy it. I’m not talking about messing around and not taking it seriously. I mean enjoy the rallies. Learn how great it feels to support your partner. Encourage each other. Don’t let yourselves get pulled down into that negative spiral.”

They play tomorrow.

I’ll let you know how it goes…

___________________

Images from Wimbledon.org

*Just to be clear, I said it in a soft, conversational tone. Imagine a coach sort of wrapping his arm around a player and saying, “Hey, listen kid, let’s get some perspective here…” Not a rant, more like a pep talk. I still wonder whether it was a good idea, though…

**Okay…my kids read this post and were very concerned that you all would think they’re always yelling at each other and that they were fighting the whole time they were out there. They weren’t. They actually get along better than many siblings I’ve seen and played well most of the time. It’s just that, after the fact, they had a bit of trouble letting go of things like this, “No, that ball was not out.” “Yes, brother, it was.” “How can you say it was out?” “Because it was.” “Every single ball that was in question you called out.” “Because they were.” On and on. They argue, they don’t fight. But they argue for long periods of time. In the car. For half an hour. You know what I mean? I try to let them resolve their issues on their own, so I let them keep talking and talking and talking. That’s when I stepped in and calmly gave my little spiel. Whew. Hope that clears things up…