This Mom Values All Women. Period.

Today’s Mantra: Ignore the haters and don’t feed the trolls.

My kids and I made a video in which I talked about how I would love to host a talk show on Oprah’s new network. It was fun – until I started getting comments and nasty email messages from a woman who alleged that I trash working moms on this blog (and erroneously suggested that I’ve never been a working mom).  Um, no. Not true. Read my blog. Search my blog. That’s not what it’s about. At all. I have absolutely no desire to do such a thing. Perhaps she was thinking of someone else. I left a response to that effect.

Then the commenter insisted and referred to remarks I made in a video* well over a year ago in which I had griped about a radio broadcast not sufficiently acknowledging the value of stay-at-home moms.

First of all, for those who don’t know, before these years staying home with my kids, I was a dedicated, passionate, working mom who loved her job and career. I felt I was really making a difference in the world and working on things that were important. When I (somewhat reluctantly) hopped off the career track, I garnered little or no respect for my new position and cringed at the thought of the label that people disdainfully attached to it, as well as when I heard them say things like “oh, she’s just a stay-at-home mom.”

I was raised by a strong, self sufficient, feminist working mom (whom I adored and respected and to whom I was very close) who strongly encouraged my sisters and me to “never depend on a man,” and “always be sure that you can support yourself.” I worked my way through college and law school to ensure that I would always be a career woman determined to remain forever independent. I envisioned nothing else.

But, back to that video.

It was the host’s apparent, in my opinion, lack of respect for stay-at-home moms in a radio broadcast last year that set me off because she didn’t seem to respect my situation. Add to that the many looks, lifted noses, snide comments, and disrespectful eye rolls I’ve endured over the years (and an unreasonably long and frustrating visit to Costco on that particular day) and you have an impromptu, unscripted, once in a lifetime-and-never-again-since monologue, which appeared only briefly and has long since been removed. I have nothing personal against the host (and mentioned that in the video).

More importantly, I have nothing against working moms. On the contrary, I have great respect, if not a bit of envy, for them and very much enjoyed being one myself.

In the video, I asked her to respect and value stay-at-home moms. In fact, the video was intended to be an impassioned plea for that respect. Its sentiments do not mean that I disrespect people who are working moms. Again, I was a working mom, my mom and my mother-in-law were working moms, my sister and sisters-in-law are working moms.

I am against disrespect of women — all women.

When someone says, “LeBron James should get more respect” that doesn’t mean she’s saying, “Kobe Bryant stinks.” Just because someone passionately defends one position does not mean she is attacking another.

In the video I also said, “I have worked hard to continue to value my friends’ choices, those who did decide to stay in the workplace…I am not judging them. Everybody has to do what they have to do.”

And finally, “I’m just asking you…to have a little more tolerance, understanding and respect…for stay-at-home moms.”

I have heard people disdainfully say, “Oh, well, she’s just a stay-at-home mom” as if I’m less than other women.

And that’s just wrong. We all deserve respect.**

Frankly, I have the most respect for women who find themselves in a position where they don’t really have a choice at all – those who have to work.

My mom was a woman like that, God rest her soul. My dad died when I was a teen and left her a working mom with three kids. I adored and deeply respected my mother.

And I also respect women who stay at home with their kids.

The problem is this ongoing war between women full of displaced anger that leads nowhere. I think people who judge and criticize either category of women simply for being in those categories are mad at the wrong people. We all do the best we can and deal with the challenges we face.

I mean, what comes from evaluating who is the bigger victim? Or who has greater value?

All women have value and deserve respect.

Instead, we should focus on finding ways to adequately support parents. Unless a woman has extended family living nearby or adequate daycare, she’s left with no real choice. We should work together to find ways to provide enough support for all parents to empower them to make real choices that are right for their families.

The point is that I hope that moms, indeed all parents, can work together and stop this divisiveness.

And that’s the bottom line.

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and now…

back to…

Today’s Mantra: Ignore the haters and don’t feed the trolls.

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Endnote:

I promised on the OWN Show site that I would include a bit about how someone might deal with this on a show.

Well, first of all, let’s put an end to the destructive Mommy Wars and focus on finding a solution. Bring in experts, perhaps policymakers who can affect change, nonprofit leaders who work on family/work life issues, and others interested in finding solutions.

There are systemic problems in society that prevent women from having real choices. Some women stay at home with their children because they lack choices. Some women stay in the workforce because they lack choices. If women don’t have choice, can they be truly liberated?

Some women can’t afford daycare or have difficulty finding adequate childcare. As Claire Shipman and Katty Kay found in their book, “Womenomics,” if women had adequate support and flexibility, they could continue their careers. When I met the authors, I told them that if some of the tools they suggest in their book had been available back when I was a working mom, I might have been able to continue my beloved career.

Attaching labels, engaging in finger pointing and displaying misplaced anger are destructive and hurtful actions. Frankly, I am more than some label. I am a well-educated woman who is doing the best she can with the hand she was dealt. And I’d say that’s true of most, if not all, women.

Why not find the commonality?

We’re all mothers.

So we should focus on supporting each other. In this case we could talk about freedom of choice.  Focus on improving the opportunity for choices for women in the workplace, by using all this energy that’s effectively wasted in shouting matches and “She said…she said…” battles and, instead, establishing something like “Freedom for Mothers,” a feminist woman’s movement.

The Shipman/Kay book would be a terrific springboard or at least a good starting point.

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*The video appeared well over a year ago on this blog for a very brief period of time and has long since been removed. It appeared only as a video post, with no written words, and the headline, “Memo to Jean Chatzky: Stay-at-Home Moms Have Value Too.” It received six positive comments and no negative comments.

**Anyone who knows me or has followed my blog and/or read a majority of my 246+ posts would know that I believe that.