Entries Tagged 'school' ↓

Last year around Mother’s Day, I heard someone say that mothers are closest to their children when they’re in the womb. From the moment they’re born we’re slowly letting them go. I agree. When they’re babies they need our help; but year by year they grow more independent. By the time they get to school, it’s best to let them do their own thing and learn what they’re there to learn. Even if those lessons are painful. Or when we know they may fail.

School projects come to mind as a great example. I know so many parents who just don’t want to let go of their kids. They want to help. So they start out just observing, then they help a little, then a little more then a little more and before you know it, they’ve done a majority of the work. I think that’s unfortunate.

Kids should do their own school projects.

Last year, I walked into my son’s classroom and saw a beautiful display with so much detail and intricate handiwork, I immediately knew no third grader made it. I hadn’t helped my son at all, so immediately I felt guilty. I pulled another mom over and sheepishly asked, “Were we supposed to help do these projects?” She looked stunned (yet impressed) by the professional looking display before us. She muttered, “Noooo” as she continued to check out the board. I felt first confused and then annoyed.

What’s the point of someone’s mother doing a third grade project? Why would a parent feel compelled to take over for her child? Does she fear the kid might fail without her help? Does she think the kid just isn’t doing it right (i.e., the way the parent would do it if it were his/her project?)? How can the kid learn anything if the parent takes over and does everything for him? Isn’t there something to be said for the child’s learning experience?

I know it’s tempting. Heck, I was the worst offender when my son was a bit younger. Whenever he felt a twinge of frustration, I was the mom who would jump in and say, “Oh, here sweetie, let me do that for you” and actually think I was helping him. Now, years later, I see how that kind of rescuing behavior only makes the kid feel incompetent. It must be pretty demoralizing to think you need your mom to come and do everything for you. That over-protectiveness simply has to change at some point. The sooner the better (within reason).

It’s sometimes tricky to find the line. How much help is enough without being too much?

As parents, we’re effectively training our children to be the best adults they can be. As each year passes, we hope to pass on more and more tools for life. I know parents who taught their kids to do their own laundry when they were in third grade. Many other parents teach their kids how to cook so that they’ll be able to handle living on their own. Their rationale? We can’t expect them to go off to college knowing how to live independently if we haven’t given them adequate guidance. And we can’t sit down two weeks before they’re ready to leave and say, “Okay, junior, here’s what you’ll need to know when you get there.” So we give it to them piecemeal. Little by little, step by step. They learn to walk before they can run. They learn to chop vegetables before they make a stew.

And sometimes you let them fall so that they know they’ll survive the many pains of life but also so they know that they can do it. So that they can feel confident

And, if you accept the idea that we’re training them for life, then how can you justify taking over a job that has been assigned to someone else? I mean, when they’re in their 20s, I’m not about to go to their places of business and run their meetings. But we shouldn’t be completely hands off either.

So here’s the policy in our house: hubs and I will buy any necessary materials, maybe even advise on which materials might work best or make suggestions but that’s it. We encourage the kids and guide them but we also make sure that they take ownership of the task. And we follow up by asking what they learned by doing the project (because that is the point after all).

And you know what? It’s made a huge difference!

When parents give their children sufficient guidance and freedom to let their imaginations soar (without imposing their own viewpoints or worse, taking over entire projects) we give our kids the confidence and self satisfaction that helps them grow into secure, assertive adults.

I often search the web for great websites for my kids. For some subjects (like math), I particularly like finding sites that make learning fun (even for tweens).

I was thinking that there might be some readers who don’t have the time to go searching for sites…so, here are a few links I like. These are mainly for math:

The first site I’d describe as a James-Bond-type-of-character-meets-math site that I call Cool, Cool Math Site that you just have to see! (mostly b/c the URL is insanely cumbersome)

Here is a well-known site called FunBrain-Math, more commonly referred to as Math Baseball. Basically, your kids will do many simple skill exercises that earn them a “homerun”. Don’t expect great, engaging graphics, though. Your kids will undoubtedly like this site much more for its well known character, Greg Heffley, and his “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.” His site can be found on the main FunBrain Home Page (just click on the “Web Books + Comics” button) or here and for his blog click here.

If you haven’t heard about this yet, and you have a fourth grader (or older), you will most likely hear about it soon.

The next site is called simply, CoolMath. Or you can go right to the section just for kids, called CoolMath4Kids.

If you’d rather have some without all the bells and whistles (i.e., vivid colors and eye catching buttons) of CoolMath4Kids, but with great research tools, try these — first, this one has a nice drop down menu called, “Quick! I need help with:” (which is exactly what I call it when I bookmark it). On that site, you can search within all sorts of math topics from Quadratic Equations to Word Problems with Ages.

And this site looks really boring, but has some fun tools.

For something completely different, this one is all games!

I’ve always loved math, so I especially hope this helps kids who don’t yet (and may never!) see the magic of math or those who just dread doing their math homework.

Images from Google Images (and Alleghany High and fotosearch.com)

Argh!
I can’t stand it when my kids envy each other. I really don’t get it. To me, it’s like fingernails being pulled down a chalkboard. Yeeouch!

Here’s the deal. My kids go to different schools. At first, we had innocent and interesting comparisons:
“Your school has ‘Wordly Wise’? Our school doesn’t have that.”
“Your school has a handwriting competition? Mine doesn’t.”
“Your school has a chess garden? Ours doesn’t.”
“My school has a way better Fun Fair than yours.”
And so on.

Over time, that friendly competition has intensified to the point where one day I said, “Okay, that’s it! I’ve had enough. From this day forward there will be no more comparisons between your schools. Each has its own strengths and weaknesses. Just leave it at that and find something else (anything else!) to discuss.”

That worked pretty well for several months.

Then today, as we’re eating dinner, I asked the question I ask daily, “Tell me three good things that happened in your day today.” My daughter proudly announced, “Well, all the SCA kids had a pizza party with sodas and Fritos and Doritos. It was really fun!” My son angrily replied, “YOUR SCA had a PIZZA PARTY?” Our SCA didn’t have a pizza party!” DD came back with, “Oh really? What did yours have?” Then DS grumbled, “Nothing.”

Grrr….

Prepare for the lecture, kids.

Off I went, “Let me tell you something about my philosophy of life. There are two paths we can choose in life and it always comes down to a choice — our own individual choice.”

“There are folks who believe in a concept called scarcity. Can anyone tell me what you think that might be?” DD straightened up in her chair and replied, “Oh yes. It’s probably when there’s not enough of something.”

“Right. Well, folks who believe in the scarcity principle think that there’s only so much of anything in the world, so if Mr. X gets a new car, Mr. Y is less likely to get one. Or Johnny gets all As, so Sally thinks that her getting that one B is somehow due to Johnny’s As. That kind of attitude prevents people from feeling sincerely happy for other people’s good fortune.”

“It’s the same kind of negativity that leads people down a sort of ‘Dark Side’ path like Anakin in “Star Wars” where he’s filled with anger, bitterness, regret, revenge, and hatred.”

“Now, on the other hand, some people believe in abundance. Who can tell me what they think that is?” I asked.

DD said, “When there’s enough.”

“Right. When people believe that what one person gets really has no bearing on what other people get. I mean, they can get it, too. Maybe not right then, maybe not the same way or at the same time, but eventually they could certainly have the same kind of goodness come into their lives. Or maybe they could see goodness in their lives in a completely different way, but it’s there, if they just look for it and choose to focus on it.”

“That path, as you might expect, is also the path of joy, kindness, compassion, love, happiness, and faith.”

“Which path you choose to travel down is up to you. Your choices determine your path. So, for example, tonight when your sister told you about her pizza party, what’s another way you could have chosen to respond to her?”

DS sheepishly responded, “Uh, good for you?”

“Well, something like that. Sure you might feel disappointed that you guys didn’t get a pizza party, but remember all those things you’ve mentioned about your school that you’re so glad your school has? Well, you could notice that pang of disappointment but then go to a place where you’re sincerely happy that she had fun at her pizza party. And if you need to draw on those great things your school has, remind yourself of them and let the pizza party slide off your back. Focus on her words, her experience, her happiness, and try to share in it with her. It will actually make you feel good. It’s your choice.”

I looked at my son and said, “Think about how you felt when you went right to that angry, envious place. You looked pretty mad. I’m sure you felt pretty angry, didn’t you? I doubt that felt good. Now you’re looking like you’re regretful and a little confused. My point is that, if you come across this kind of experience again in your life (and I guarantee you will), I hope you make a better choice. See this as an opportunity to learn, a touchstone to look back on to help you remember to make a different choice next time.”

Whew.

You know, I think it’s easy to be a parent. You have a baby, you’re a parent.

But it’s hard, incredibly hard, to be a GOOD parent.